Blk 1: Good essays from June Holiday Assignment

SHARIFAH LIYANA NADZIRA BT MALAI HJ HASHIM ( B6 )

Write 2 contrasting pieces (between 300-450 words each) describing a sunrise and a sunset over the same place on the same day. In your writing you should try to bring out differences in mood and atmosphere. (June 2007)

Sunset
As I sat alone, I saw loving couples along the beach, watching the sunset, holding hands, cuddling, sharing their great happiness of being together and the intimacy of love. I felt alone. I calmed myself, gazing at the beautiful sunset.

The sun was a great, big, romantic and inspirational fire in the sky. The salt of the water could be tasted on the tip of my tongue. The caress of the breeze was a warm comfort, giving me joy and relaxation. It was like a sweet embrace, stilling my heart, and causing my breath to hold for the slightest of moments. The wonderment of the beauty of it collected all my bad and unpleasant feelings in a bag of mixed emotions, leaving me in elation.

It was silent for a while; the birds could be heard flapping their wings across the sea which made me feel like I was as free as they were; the soothing sound of the waves made me feel even better. Sunset proved to me the earth was going round to make the sun slowly disappear from this side of my view. It was like bright red fire flies dancing across the sky and changing colour from gold to orange to red, like dancers changing their costumes in a performance. The rays seemed friendly and they reminded me of an old friend saying goodbye and even though he was leaving, I knew he would be back again.

The sky was ablaze with colour: fiery orange, searing reds, hot as the yellow sun and yet the sky had begun to cool with the indigo of the night. The feeling was greatly serene. I looked back at my surroundings, each and every couple felt the same way I did - their faces showed it all. Then I thought for a moment of how wonderful it would be to watch the sunset with the one you care about right beside you.


Sunrise
We sit on a beach with a blanket wrapped around us, sharing a cup of hot coffee and waiting for the sun to rise. The sound of silence comes to mind, the still air is replaced by the morning breeze, cool and refreshing. It is the best time of day. An ideal time to smell the fresh air of dawn.

We wait for the sun to rise, spirited and energetic for a fresh start of a new day, to think of the day’s possibilities and promises rather than of its regrets. Slowly the bright orange ball appears like the colour of orange, mango and peach. The sky joins with the water and the light and begin to paint colours over the surface of the water: red of blood and orange of lust. It is a hope-filled event as my excitement grows slowly to watch the beautiful light shine out of its darkness. A splendid view with excellent light, colour and mood. The sun comes up, wrapping the day in beauty. The rays of sunrise glitter like diamonds on a smooth sheet of water over which birds fly peacefully.

We sit on the blanket now as the air is warmer. We watch the colour of the ocean change from dark blue green to a colour equally blue. We look at each other, we see the calmness and joy that is within us. Just as the sun brings light, a new beginning and a new creation to a new day, our relationship begins anew. This great opportunity has made me think of how wonderful nature is and it has taught me to start a new day filled with new ideas. (grade: C+)


Mrs Saunders’ comments:

1. Her essays are vibrant and rich in details:
· She describes how her senses respond to the environment - the salt of the water (taste); the caress of the breeze (touch), the soothing sound of the waves (hearing), like bright red fire flies dancing across the sky and changing colour from gold to orange to red (sight and movement).
· Her description of colour is dramatic (‘fiery orange, searing reds’) and it is given an emotional force (‘red of blood and orange of lust’)
· She has also used similes (which you can readily identify), metaphors(in italics) and alliteration ('soothing sounds')
· Abundant adjectives: serene, cool, refreshing, energetic, smooth, splendid, excellent, new, great, wonderful etc

2. More important, her writing shows good STRATEGY - the descriptive language has not caused her to detract from the main aim of the assignment which is to create CONTRAST in mood in the 2 essays.
This contrast is suggested in the sentences I put in italics. At sunset, there is a quiet loneliness in the narrator, while at sunrise, there is an atmosphere of hope - she is optimistic about her new relationship with her companion.

3. Note the difference in tense between the 2 essays. Consider the difference in effect.





ARAFAT BIN MAHABUB

1. Write 2 contrasting pieces (between 300-450 words each), one which describes a particular place at the end of a war or natural disaster and one which describes the way it looks after being rebuilt. In your writing you should try to bring out differences in mood and atmosphere. (Nov 2007)

After the war
The war has ended, so has the lives of many others. It is an evil thing, War. It is something that everyone wants to avoid but when it does happen, there is no imaginable way of escaping it. One can imagine how a battlefield, a friendly neighborhood for many families, would look like after a war: HELL. Debris and fragments from the houses that once housed an innocent toddler can be seen scattered everywhere. The dull and dark atmosphere can give us an idea of how spiritless the place is. Clouds of smoke and dust fill the pungent air and the stagnant water itself expresses the lifeless condition of the place. As you look over the hill, you can see the grey and gloomy clouds, slowly moving towards the desolate place. You can tell the place is in solitary.

The people stay helpless, depressed and heavy-hearted. The tears in their eyes speak a thousand words. The shattered hearts cry for help, feeling hopelessness and despair. Desperate to stand on their feet, hoping to move on with their life but they cannot forget the torments and excruciating pain they experienced. Dead bodies still lay on the ruined streets. Everything you see around you is destroyed. Nothing left in one piece. The survivors remain in a moody silence. By looking at their teary eyes, you can see how miserable they are, how sorrowful they feel, how stubborn they can become, how fed up they are.

The parliament buildings can be seen in piles of debris and you cannot differentiate between a national landmark and a bare and deserted land. Some of the walls of the building are covered in blood, a disturbing image indeed. Many bullet shells cover the surface of the streets of the town and to start collecting all these shells and to destroy them would be a start in rebuilding the once beautiful town.


After the rebuilt
After a war, basically the whole town is destroyed and also the lives of many others. It is very hard to start a new life and to forget the past. But the best way to move on with a new life is by rebuilding the town. Being united, working hard to make the place what it used to be before: a beautiful place.
Many years after the dreadful war the town was resurrected and new buildings were erected. The atmosphere has changed since the war, for the better. The sky is clear with the sun shining brightfully on the new built town. New trees have grown which provides shelter for the birds, chirping at daily sunrise, giving an impression that the birds are living in peace and are not disturbed. Many new buildings such as schools, hospital, etc, are built and also quite a few tourist sites to attract people in order to develop the town further. The peaceful environment in the town is created by various flowers producing a scent which provides the town with a fresh smell and a promising future.
The warm breeze from the west and the raining season keeps the town lively and gives hope for the town farmers. Many new retail shops are established to create jobs for those who are unemployed thus everyone in the town is united and the population is grateful and cheerful. New mosques and churches are built to keep the town blessed. Furthermore, monuments are also constructed in order to pay respect to the residents and the people who died during the war. Eventhough the town has been revived, it has not fully recovered from the damage made during the war. The people still think about the past and regret those moments. But a new town has been built, a better town where people can easily move on and try to forget the torturous past. (grade: C+)


Mrs Saunders’ comments

· He uses a plain conversational style. There is a sense of an omniscient narrator speaking to the reader directly (note the use of the second person pronoun). The tone is quiet and restrained.

Although the description of each scene is quite general, it is effective in showing contrast in atmosphere between the two scenes.

· The simple sentence structure works well in describing a difficult topic (war and reconstruction) clearly.
· Short sentences state a point with impact. (It is an evil thing, War. Nothing left in one piece )

· There is an emotional dimension in the writing. The narrator’s awareness of the peoples’ physical and mental suffering gives the essays more depth - ‘The people stay helpless, depressed and heavy-hearted. The tears in their eyes speak a thousand words; Desperate to stand on their feet; ..they cannot forget the torments…; moody silence’.

· Note how the opening sentence in the first work is similar that of the second:
Ist work: The war has ended, so has the lives of many others.
2nd work: After a war, basically the whole town is destroyed and also the lives of many others.
This similarity in sentence structure unifies the two pieces of writing.


· Note the abundant use of adjectives which is a basic must in descriptive writing.

· The essay ends on a realistic but hopeful note. ‘ The people still think about the past and regret those moments. But a new town has been built, a better town where people can easily move on and try to forget the torturous past.’
This is a mark of good writing because i)a simplistic approach (reconstruction = happy ending ) and ii) sentimentality (excessive emotion) have been avoided.



NORSAIDI BIN SERAIL (B7)

Write two contrasting pieces (between 300-450 words each) describing a sunrise and a sunset over the same place on the same day. In your writing you should try to bring out differences in mood and atmosphere.

Sunrise
It is morning again without anybody realizing it, because they are fast asleep. The pink sky has slowly changed colour to a bright yellow, which is then mixed with a bit of orange and red. Though this transformation is significant, no one bothers to examine it; they barely even look up to the sky and praise the works of the Almighty. However, one of the children stops dead in his tracks to gaze at the open sky to see a group of birds flying which have added to the beauty of the panoramic view. The sunrise is obviously signalling everybody to wake up to do their respective errands. But, at the same time, this phenomenon doesn’t get the approval of the bed-lover.

Here it is...Kampong Ayer, which stands out most in the core of the town.
The sunrise gives new hope not only to loners but to smugglers. It casts light on the flickering waves and shadows on the long, old jittery jetties. Sunrise means work to the business men and business women though they earn only little. Children jump happily into their school uniforms and this means another gruelling job for teachers. It also means another profitable day for water taxi drivers. It is as if the Sun has blessed people with life and luck, accompanying every person in his daily life with prosperity and promising journeys, wherever they are heading. The Sun has raised itself slightly adding heat to the river. A place that at one time felt quite silent, has become busy and full of distinct activities, which is why it is the centre of attraction of the town.

Sunset
On the other hand, when the Sun begins its journey of dipping below the horizon, people would be very busy hiring the water taxi drivers to go across the river. The Sun would be terrified if anyone dared to swim across the wide river just to get home. The tide has slowly become calm and safe to those people who are afraid of going on a water taxi. Slowly, business men and business women along the Kianggeh River begin their packing. Darkness would engulf the town, only to be disturbed by the lights and bulbs perk up the street and everyone’s houses. Birds are flying to their home after a day of hunting. They are no longer chirping, instead they are whistling as if singing to the sinking giant ball of flames.

Babies sleep comfortably in their mothers’ arms. Children from school yawn, their sleepy faces distinguishable by their heavy eyelids. Despite their tiredness, the water taxi drivers continue their services transporting villagers back and forth. It is nearly silent, only the sounds of waves hitting the walls are heard. Shops are beginning to close down one by one, adding to the silent atmosphere and a sense of gloom hangs in the air. The Sun has deliberately dipped into the horizon to give way to smugglers and pick pockets to begin their sinful activities especially in the stinking and dirty alleyways.

Restaurants and cafes open because as night approaches they will be the centre of attraction. Despite this, ‘azan’ from the mosque penetrate the dull air in the town, signalling people to watch their watches and reminding them to perform the Maghrib Prayer for Muslims. The once brave and arrogant smugglers in the alleyways have suddenly become weak and they hesitate, wondering whether to continue with their activities or not. So the day has melted into the night, with clouds drifting slowly, as if they are stage curtains and the people below are actors and actresses...
(Grade: C+)


Mrs Saunders’ comments
The impact of sunrise and sunset on life in of Kampong Ayer is described in a sensitive and imaginative way - the sun is written with a capital ‘S’ and described if it has intention and feeling (‘the Sun has blessed people with life and luck, accompanying every person in his daily life with prosperity...’;’ the Sun begins its journey...’; ‘The Sun would be terrified...’).

There is gentle humour in these lines:
'The sunrise is obviously signalling everybody to wake up to do their respective errands. But, at the same time, this phenomenon doesn’t get the approval of the bed-lover.'

The ironic humour derives from the contrast between the sun’s ‘eagerness’ to get everyone up to work, and the sleepers’ disinclination to respond.

Although the tone is mostly gentle, it is not uncritical of the villagers who fail to appreciate the wonder of sunrise as a gift from God. The word ‘sinful’ and the association of the smugglers’ activities with ‘the stinking and dirty alleyways’ show that the narrator strongly disapproves of this aspect of life in Kg Ayer.
The azan’s moral influence on life in Kg Ayer is implied in the words ‘penetrate’ and ‘signalling’ and also in the smugglers sudden loss of courage upon hearing it. Hence the essays have a spiritual angle, which give more depth and interest.
Contrast in mood
At sunrise, the serene atmosphere evoked in the first paragraph is slightly undercut at the start of the second paragraph when the writer refers to smugglers and ‘shadows on the long, old jittery jetties’. There is also an atmosphere of promise and increasing vitality as the people get more involved in their daily chores as the day progresses (even the smugglers are optimistic because of ‘the Sun accompanying every person in his daily life with prosperity and promising journeys’).

At sunset, everything slows down and the atmosphere of diminishing energy engulfs Kampong Ayer as villagers prepare to rest from the day’s work. Elsewhere in the busy restaurants and cafes, the ‘azan’ reminds the people of their spiritual obligations, implying that commercial activities are temporarily subdued.
The contrast in mood is also implied by the sudden lack of confidence that came upon the smugglers (in contrast to their optimism at sunrise)

The essay ends on a very satisfying note with the simile which compares the dark clouds covering the evening sky to the closing of stage curtains.